I'm not dead, I'm just busy being attractive.

It's been too long, internets! I missed you so. Mainly though, I just missed talking about shoes. So, without further ado, allow me to selfishly share my latest pur

OMG THERE'S NO TIME FOR CLEVER PROSE! I BOUGHT TRANNY SHOES!

That's right. Alyssa Vincent, formerly of 5'5" fame, can now stand at a solid 5'10" WHENEVER SHE WANTS. And has apparently earned the right to refer to herself in third person. I bought black platform heels that are 5" tall from Charlotte Russe, also known as Where Pre-Teen Girls Blossom Into Pre-Teen Sluts.

RuPaul, eat your heart out.

They're beautiful, and will soon break my ankles. But until then, I'm having a delightful time trying to make them look as effortless and innocent as ballet flats. And my wearing them is helping my mom develop a solid bank of hooker jabs, which is always a plus. Her best so far? "Are you going to work right now? Like, 'work' work?"

Put on your stockings girl, the night's getting cold

I think that lyric from the Springsteen smash hit "Atlantic City" is fitting when talking about tights. Hmm..."Talking about Tights" sounds like it could be a hit show on QVC. NO IDEA STEALING, READERS.

Where was I? Right. Tights. Words can't explain the hatred I feel for pants. I blame it on the fact that, like 99% of the female population, I can never seem to find pants that fit properly. Or, if by some miracle I do, I'll make the heinous mistake of washing them. Which, as we all know, washes away their perfection. A couple of years ago, I decided to give up on trying to find the perfect pair, and instead devoted all of my efforts toward stocking up on dresses and skirts. However, when you live in Chicago, forgoing legwear of any sort is not really an option from the months of October to April.

What's a girl to do?

Say it with me now--tights. Over-the-knee socks. Thermal leggings. Assless chaps.

OK, maybe not over-the-knee socks. You don't want to look scandalous. But believe me when I say that tights and other assorted leg coverings go a long way when it comes to keeping your gams warm in a snowstorm. I layer patterned tights over solids (so daring, I know), buy some slightly pricier wool pairs, and wear more leggings than Lindsay Lohan. All of those options manage to keep me warm in the winter AND sans pants. Frankly, I have way more fun with legwear than I do with jeans. I mean, I won't buy a pair of sequined aqua jeans--that's just crazy. But sequined aqua tights? 3 pairs, please. For those who find the binding nature of tights to be rather uncomfortable, I offer two suggestions.

1) Stretch them out by pulling the waist over a desk chair. No, they won't feel like your comfiest pair of sweatpants, but your internal organs won't feel nearly as smushed together.

2) My stylish friend Amy whispered these sweet nothings to me the other weekend: low-rise tights. In the words of Rachel Zoe, I DIE. Also, I may or may not be the last person to know about them, because I've found that they're sold nearly everywhere normal granny tights are sold.

Yes, pants have their place in the world. And who knows? I could be singing the praises of jeans if I find the ultimate pair. But until then, me and my "I just came from a Fame-esqe dance class" ripped tights are very happy with one another. I'll save the aqua sequins for tomorrow.

Kind of like "This Is Why You're Fat," except with shoes.

OMG, shoes. I don’t really have the authority to reference that seminal skit that had EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER saying that very phrase many moons ago. I haven’t even watched it. But, every time I look at ShoeLust, the first thing that I think is “OMG, shoes!”

There are a few reasons to go to this site:

1) You love shoes. More specifically, you love ridiculously expensive and audacious shoes that you will never afford. At least not until you inherit a trust fund from the rich great-uncle you never knew you had. Please let this be the story of my life.

2) You realize that when you walk into a classy department store wearing an outfit that costs less than $100, all of the salespeople will alternately laugh at you and assume you’re there to rob them. Unfortunately, the real story of my life.

3) You have time to kill and enjoy imagining the different occasions for which one might wear studded loafers or diamond-encrusted wedges.

I used to think that visiting this site would be a depressing habit, because honestly—who really needs more reminders that instead of gallivanting around town in 5-inch YSL snakeskin platforms, they’re sitting at a computer? However, this site has made me far more creative when it comes to choosing sensible shoes for the occasions in my life. Read: it’s made me disregard the reality of any and all situations I may find myself in.

Much like the website This Is Why You’re Fat makes me contemplate cooking up a batch of deep-fried Snickers pancakes for breakfast, ShoeLust allows me to think that, in fact, I do have an outing that requires 7-inch bondage ankle boots.

Let’s have some examples, shall we? Like, the next time I’m going out to dinner, why not pretend that I’m dining at an intergalactic bar instead of Chili’s? I give you the perfect shoe for that very adventure.

Even though I'm done with summer music festivals until next year, this pair would have been IDEAL. Assuming, of course, that my friends would carry me from stage to stage.

It’s boring to pick out shoes for a plain old date. But choosing shoes for a date with my heavy metal-loving pimp? Things just got interesting.

Remember how I said that tranny shoes were HOT for fall? This website could have an alternate name of "tranny shoe porn." And I'm sure they'd get an even more diverse community of viewers. Take note, ShoeLust.

The horror, the horror!

Oh my God, no.

Where them trendz at?

This one's for you, Kelles Belles. Soon, I will learn to do a picture post.

I would be the kind of person that starts a blog about fashion that just complains about Vogue rather than offer practical advice. No more, though. It's time be where the action is. And the action is telling people what to wear in order to look awesome this fall. Here are my picks for the trends of the season. God, I love trite, fashion-y sentences like that.

A leathuh motorcycle jacket*

*(or, for those of you who didn't watch Stella on last season of Project Runway, leather.)

Since I'm a cheap gal and a friend to animals, I avoid authentic leather. However, I've discovered that when you look like a badass, no one is going to touch your jacket and sneer at its "man-made material" qualification. The runways for fall seemed to have two kinds of looks: "Don't fuck with me" and "Can I get a few more sequins on this? Thanks." A black "moto" jacket is the perfect complement to everything you already own. I favor pairing it with skinny jeans (I like to pretend that I'm a rock star, yes) and dresses. The latter combination will create an air of mystique wherever you go, because everyone will be questioning whether you're going to a nice dinner or a biker rally. It's all about versatility, people.

Don't feel like you have to spend loads of money on this, either. Get yourself to Target, where they're selling a fantastic version in grey and black for $29.99. Or, dedicate some time to flipping through the racks Goodwill. You'd be surprised by how many reformed leather daddies donate their old wardrobes to thrift stores.

Wide-leg trousers

As much as I love a good pair of tight-ass jeans, I adore the silhouette that a decent pair of trousers creates. Google images of Katharine Hepburn if you don't believe me. Wide-leg pants or jeans make you look taller, thinner, and allow you to eat every couple of days without bursting at the seams. If you're looking to take a break from the spandex skinnies, get into a pair of these. Old Navy and Gap are stocking this style--I find Old Navy fits poorly, so I'd invest in Gap. Trust me: if you find a decent pair of trousers, run with them (even if they cost more than you'd like). You'll get a ton of mileage out of this style.

Tranny shoes

From classy to trashy, just how I like it. I was ecstastic to see stripper shoes on the runway this season--from YSL to Gucci, all of the models were teetering on 6"-plus platforms, over-the-knee boots, and heels. Even though I'm an average height, I am a huge advocate of ridiculous heels. Yes, they'll fuck up your knees and back after awhile, but a fantastic pair of heels will save any outfit. Just learn how to walk in them. Honestly, a half-hour spent traipsing around your room in them will save you from looking like you've got a bowling ball between your legs when you take them out on the town. Even if you're six feet tall, I'd give this trashiness a try. Recently, I found the best website ever for cheap-ass shoes: gojane.com. They rip-off designer styles and most of their heels cost less than $20. Time to start struttin'.

Shape

What a ridiculous trend title. It's like saying "color" is back and better than ever (which, actually, it is). But, nearly every single designer focused on two things this season: exagerrating the form of the body, or accentuating it. Blame it on the '80s revival and Mad Men, respectively. I've already lauded Balmain and their use of the strong shoulder. Oddly enough, the sculptural look has descended to the hips as well. Unless you're a model, I wouldn't recommend the dresses with built-in hips that Thierry Mulger recently showed. But, a jacket with shoulder pads creates a cinched waistline without corseting yourself with a belt. Don't worry, you won't look like a dated secretary.

As far as the Mad Men side of things are concerned, thank God for Joan Holloway (played by Christina Hawkins). She single-handedly made boobs and hips attractive again, and designers are showing more flattering shapes (even if they are still on boyishly thin models). So, what does this mean for your wardrobe? NO MORE SACK DRESSES. Honestly. I don't care what kind of shape your body is in--it will always look better if you show off the goods that you do have. Pencil skirts, fitted blouses, and wrap dresses work wonders for easing a person into the world of body-conscious dressing--all of which can be found at anywhere from Wal-Mart to H&M to Forever 21.

Denim shirts

Buffalo plaid shirts may have been all the rage last fall, but denim shirts are the thing to steal from boys' closets now. The key to this style is, as one might guess, not trying to play the "Let's Match Denims!" game. Keep the denim shirt in a light tone, and pair it with a black jean, or at the very least, a dark blue. And to make sure that you don't look like you're about to go paint a house, make sure it's rather fitted. No need to look like a denim hussy, but now is not the time to borrow your Dad's XL number and call it stylish. The boys section of any thrift store is an interesting place to start, but if you've got some money to spend, splurge on American Eagle's flattering version--available online and in stores.

The new cleavage

Yes. There is honestly "the new cleavage." I love the fashion world. It's time to go backless, ladies. Check out Hilary Swank's 2005 Oscar dress for an example in how incredibly chic one can look when covering up the front. This doesn't just apply to gowns, though. Shirts and day dresses have begun to follow suit. In a season where trannies and rocker bitches ruled, there was an underlying mystique to a few dresses. They look simple from the front, but you turn the corner and BAM. Interest in the back. What a terrible sentence, but that's the best description I've got. The best thing about this trend? You don't need to buy it. I've taken to wearing my dresses and shirts backwards, and have achieved the same effect. Cut off the tags, and no one's the wiser. Also, this leads to interesting new takes on accessories--if you need more "interest" in your behind (there it goes again...), trail a long pendant necklace down your back.

Honorable mentions? The classic khaki trench (for when you need to be an alluring detective), matte nail polish, sequins on everything, velvet and lace details, and huge statement necklaces. And of course, what post would be complete without a warning of the trends to avoid? Stay away from harem pants, jumpsuits, denim leggings, and motorcycle ankle boots. You'll be doing yourself a favor.

Anna Wintour, I love you, but you're bringing me down.

Yes. The September issue of Vogue is so bad that I have to resort to LCD Soundsystem allusions as explanatory vehicles.

I've already expressed my disdain for the fact that my bulging arm muscles were not employed while reading it. 580 pages for the fall issue of the premier American fashion magazine is unacceptable. The rag reminds me of when I used to dress up in my mom's heels/fur coat/jewels as a kid--I may have had the aesthetic trappings of an awesomely stylish adult, but I was not big enough to be taken seriously. As much as I tried to put it's lack of heft out of my mind, it was impossible to ignore--especially with such weak content filling it's reduced page count.

Let's start at the beginning, shall we? I enjoy reading the cover lines, if only because I know they're very difficult to write. Personally, my least favorite part of the jounrnalistic process is writing the headline or cover line of an article. Too often, I (and many other writers) resort to alliteration and lame puns (my horrific default) to try and make it sound "snappy." When the first cover line I noticed was "Fall Fashion Fun!", I steeled myself for inevitable dissapointment upon opening the pages. Really, writers? FFF? Nothing about Vogue is fun. It takes itself far too seriously and is far removed from what the American public actually concerns itself with. Oddly enough, that is why it's an institution--it is on a pedastal, and people have expectations of it. Does everyone in the world actually think the Mona Lisa is a riveting, beautiful work of art? Of course not. But if you're in Paris, you're going to go see it because it's important. It is ingrained in our collective cultural consciousness as something that shaped art for the years that followed it's creation, and does still to this day.


I just out-alliterated Vogue writers. How dreadful.


So please, Vogue, don't promise "fun." It's a desperate rhetorical attempt to trick readers into thinking that as long as shopping is fun and good for the soul, then no one needs to worry about saving money. Vogue has taught me a lot of things. Mainly, that budgeting is what ugly people do when they're left to their own devices on a Friday night.

Though, what grates at my nerves more is this: save for one delightfully-themed Alice in Wonderland shoot, nothing in the pages screams "I'm having such a great time! While wearing clothes!" Yes, they're still trying to find their place in a world of ugly budgeters. However, why not use this transition period to...oh, I don't know, use a different photographer to offer a different perspective, or pose models in something other than "jumping artistically to one side"? Most everyone in the fashion industry hopes to work for Vogue one day, so the magazine doesn't need to beg for new talent. The editorial staff just needs to have the courage to admit that they cannot keep resting on their laurels. They must shock and inspire like they so often have in the past.

Often, shock and inspiration come with an intimidating price tag. I oscillate between whether or not Vogue should tone itself down as far as the quality and price of the clothes they use to be "respectful" to the economic climate. It's a tough call to make, and I believe I've mulled it over in previous posts. I air on the side of seeing high fashion as a means of fantasy and escape--therefore, I don't see the point of styling Gap t-shirts in lieu of Louis Vuitton dresses simply because many people can't afford Vuitton. However, in a time where fashion as an art form means making alterations to a $10 thrifted dress rather than buying a Stella McCartney suit for it's exquisite tailoring, I have to wonder how long it will be before Vogue realizes that the pedastal is a lonely place to be. Without a doubt, the magazine needs to turn itself around. Either commit to worshipping the fantastical aspect of clothing and its construction, or become familiarized with the actual sartorial desires of the American public and cater to those.

Oh, and try to make that decision before next year's September issue, Ms. Wintour. I can't bear another disappointment.